+7ish, feelin like a/the last tieme threw again (bnut no(w) really this time…no, reallyreally, for real–the creditors are calling, I’ve never learned to answeer the phone so it’s mawm that gets to hear cagey, llegal and ominous sounding restraint named decorum, and the depression’s a little more settled now, and where the smoking was rooted in good times and delusion, with the desperation only hanging around between dime bags, now d’mode is a light glaze of desperation, the drugs to do damage control—-today I went back in large part so that i could get myself to get around to nose non-profits on the web and see what this credit counselling charade and debt consolidation commercialling is all about.+ the job has becomke quite reminiscent of the last one==much far bettedr than thissun==I blew. preseveration at the laptop, hunched, I can’t tell yoyu what I ‘ve done for these days I’ve been up ‘cep for those daylight dips with dogs and derelicts downtown. I haven’t written for a couple days, just fucked with this machine, installing and tweaking software tools and these sites and what? I couldn’t tell yolu. don’t remember. and mom–usually suympathetic to a fault is a little recalitreticentant, maybe suspicious (in addition to my paranoia and jaw ache), but certainly quietly concerned. and I’m m otiveated by that, in the wsence of worrihng more about her and/or my oldest sister finding out than I am about my own f-u-see-kayed healthy (think I can actually feel the cancer coming on and buildikng to a thunder in my chest which will end in an explosion of pus), and that’s fairly ef-few-c-que-y-dee, too. i want to not be doing this–or figure out a way to do this creationishm differently—-with, perhaps, a more krishna conscioujsness–heh—-bugt I don’t know waht I’ll do instead, nor how, neither tactically hnor stragtegically…tho-oh a resume [jagged and jokey from jargon; I seemed to really have gotten into the spirikt of sell promotion, there last night, and in the tiny dark hours and again this late morning still hermitted in this pink room with mhy t-moose dog sighing…poor kid! I keep meaning to mention how freaked out he gets when we hit the freeway! for a long time, now2, and escalatingly so.,. at first I thought it was bathroom needs or impatience to get home to his meal that he knows comes after worlk, but now I’m forced to consider his sensing of the trued nature and character of this cattle call in the car, cashing the calle’s for crumbles of crack,.;’ah, the goof alit…smoking cracmk is simpoly no more than about allowing for the existence of sillinress in your life. one of the sfelipe girls asked me what I do…do for fun…I looked her about as close as I could get to her ocular region, looked disingterestedly at the card table of candid photos, and sayd, I qoute”I sit around writing and smoking crack.” and she did that ol,–as if true to form,..well, actually, yes, true to social form–did that ol’ , like, “Oh, yeah, crack.!. that’s good for you! yeah, that’s fun! heh, ..yeah, I love crack!” the disparity of those planes in play, ;…. it’s an amusement for me. and a wonder, and kind of like a proof and vindication that i understand this-that great humanity, that i spotted their hypo-judgeliness quite early one–precociously, a proud parent myght say–and, and since put into practice the living of my life to expose thie lie in their preception,,,thieir simplificaiton–!-of terrestrial taxonomies. truth… see? .. .. well, anyway, …I went off a bit there, so let’s just switch gears and acknowledge the shittinecessity, the shittiness of this dope. 2 tiny tittle pebs left and it tastes perfumy…let’s switch gears again: y’ll shudve seen me teach a big class of new students sunday morning after looking up from whiling and windxing down on my warez to horrify and hustle at the realization that I was due on the premises in an hour. I was high. and I didn’t mean to do it, but it does seem to prove mhy democratic doctrine now doesn’t it. we’re all a bunch of devils and devilries. but have you no sympathy for the devil? i got the glad-you-could-make-it greeting from the store director, and then, underarms gushing, face a’-flushing, i bumbled the demonstrations, added extra stuff and still finished a good ten minutes early .. might try to finsish a few ten minutes early tongiht. perhaps sleep, stave off the starving and the sorrow that will seep into my soul with the sunrise..